Dr's appt today

[days_unfolding]

Had my follow-up with my med doctor this morning. He's pleased (as am I) to my response to lithium.

Then we got into the Risperdal debacle. He asked why I stopped taking it, and I described my reaction to the drug (feeling scattered, sedated, stiff muscles), and he kept going "You're kidding! You must be really sensitive to it." Given that the symptoms for which I was taking it have either strongly diminished or vanished, he allowed that it's not worth switching me to another drug.

Then we got into the fact that over the last few days, I've been showing some symptoms of both mania and depression (mixed mood episode). He increased my dosage of lithium by 300 MG, and asked me to wait and see if it helps. If the depression doesn't go away, or "if I have suicidal thoughts", he asked me to call and they'll add an anti-depressant (Wellbutrin) to the mix. The danger of doing so is that the anti-depressant might throw me into mania. I'm never sure what to do with the suicidal thoughts part because I've been having suicidal thoughts periodically since all this stuff hit in May, and they know it, but I'm still well aware that it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Anyway, I'll wait and see what happens.

I'm really fighting the urge to delete my journal, partially because writing it isn't making sense to me anymore, and partially because I think that it's going to bite me in the long run. But I'm not sure how clearly I'm thinking.

Anyway, I got almost no sleep last night, so I'm going to see if I can nap.