More stirring
Feb. 22nd, 2002 01:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
days_unfoldingI've been trying to figure out the point at which I should have turned down the job offer. If I had been in my right mind, I probably wouldn't have asked about openings in the first place. At the time that I asked, I was in the middle of a psychotic episode (voices, delusions, cognitive difficulties, intrusive thoughts, the whole nine yards), and I was convinced that the startup was causing them. Because I hadn't had such problems at my previous job, I believed that changing jobs would get rid of the symptoms. So I asked a friend if there was an opening in his department. In short order, there was a request for a resume and writing sample, and an interview. The interview went well, and I really liked the sound of the job. (I can't believe that I interviewed successfully for a job and updated two books during a psychotic episode. One of these days, I really need to learn how to be sick.) They started cutting the job offer. I periodically followed up on it, so I'd say that I was semi-committed at that point.
Then I finished my work, left the startup, and stayed home and started lithium. I started looking for another job in late November. My current company asked me if I was still available in December, and that's when I probably should have said no. I do know that I looked upon the prospect with more and more trepidation as I felt better. On the other hand, I liked the job, and the job market was awful.
And, of course, the job offer came through in January.
I still don't know what to do, but at least, I know how I got here.
Speaking of how I got here, I think that I've figured out what the churn was about. I've been getting hang-up (or hang-on) calls periodically for the past year-and-a-half. (Yes, still.) I'm fairly sure that the caller works for my former company, based on information that only certain people in the company had while I was there, reaction to mentions of the company in my journal, and a bunch of other stuff. (And the calls stopped as soon as I came back, too. As I expected.) I narrowed the list down even more, based on availability, lack of availability, and a bunch of other stuff. At first, I didn't ask for a trace of my calls because I was reluctant to take legal action against a colleague, but I finally did ask, and PacBell convinced me to try their clunky Privacy Manager thing instead. (I wound up turning it off when I was looking for work.) Anyway, the point is that I sometimes checked people's schedules on voice mail during off hours (to see if they were around to have made the call). If someone had a rare phone with caller ID, it would look like a pattern of obsession where there is none. (The irony is that I barely thought last year about my former colleagues. I had my hands full with other stuff.) It fits. It makes sense. And yes, I should have ignored PacBell and let the chips fall where they may. Lesson learned.
Not sure what I'm going to do about that issue either. Right now, I really need to go to sleep. I just started doubling my Depakote dosage, and I've been almost falling flat on my face all day. I hope that I habituate to it soon.
Then I finished my work, left the startup, and stayed home and started lithium. I started looking for another job in late November. My current company asked me if I was still available in December, and that's when I probably should have said no. I do know that I looked upon the prospect with more and more trepidation as I felt better. On the other hand, I liked the job, and the job market was awful.
And, of course, the job offer came through in January.
I still don't know what to do, but at least, I know how I got here.
Speaking of how I got here, I think that I've figured out what the churn was about. I've been getting hang-up (or hang-on) calls periodically for the past year-and-a-half. (Yes, still.) I'm fairly sure that the caller works for my former company, based on information that only certain people in the company had while I was there, reaction to mentions of the company in my journal, and a bunch of other stuff. (And the calls stopped as soon as I came back, too. As I expected.) I narrowed the list down even more, based on availability, lack of availability, and a bunch of other stuff. At first, I didn't ask for a trace of my calls because I was reluctant to take legal action against a colleague, but I finally did ask, and PacBell convinced me to try their clunky Privacy Manager thing instead. (I wound up turning it off when I was looking for work.) Anyway, the point is that I sometimes checked people's schedules on voice mail during off hours (to see if they were around to have made the call). If someone had a rare phone with caller ID, it would look like a pattern of obsession where there is none. (The irony is that I barely thought last year about my former colleagues. I had my hands full with other stuff.) It fits. It makes sense. And yes, I should have ignored PacBell and let the chips fall where they may. Lesson learned.
Not sure what I'm going to do about that issue either. Right now, I really need to go to sleep. I just started doubling my Depakote dosage, and I've been almost falling flat on my face all day. I hope that I habituate to it soon.
