What next?
Mar. 2nd, 2002 01:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
days_unfoldingI had one of the most disconcerting days medically that I've had in a long time.
Over the past week, I've had a mild reoccurrence of the psychotic symptoms that I had last summer. The most annoying was the persistent feeling the other night that someone was right outside my office door. I went out and looked, and no one was there, but the feeling still persisted. I'm not surprised that I was misdiagnosed with OCD last summer because that is very OCD-like. One OCD symptom that I have under stress is the feeling that I'm driving the wrong way down the street, despite the evidence to the contrary. The big difference between the two is that the OCD feeling will extinguish if you ignore it, while the psychotic symptom will not. A subtle distinction.
I've also heard very faint voices saying random words.
So I had my doctor's appointment today, and I told him what was going on. He frowned and asked me how the rest of my functioning at work was, and I told him that it was too soon to tell. He didn't like the implications of what's happening, nor do I. Being well for four months while I was at home, and starting to fall apart after two weeks of work, could have some disability implications. However, I would want to explore all the available options (full-time telecommuting, part-time work, ???) before going on long term disability. Besides, I didn't start a new job to promptly go on disability.
I also think that the weather is playing a part in this problem. We've been having summer-like weather, and the psychotic symptoms last year started at the beginning of the summer. It's common for bipolar symptoms to line up with the seasons (summer mania and winter depression). I need to get some dark glasses.
Anyway, the doctor wants me to try the dreaded evil Risperdal again. This time I'll be trying a fourth of the dose that I took last time. I'm also completely tapering off of the Wellbutrin. (We switched roles; this time I insisted on dropping the Wellbutrin for fear that it was contributing to the psychotic symptoms.) We also agreed to the lower dose of Depakote (not the one that almost made me fall asleep in the car).
The scariest thing happened when I was about to leave the lab. I think that I had a visual hallucination. The best way to describe it is like a fire hanging in mid-air, but that description isn't quite right. I jumped about three feet back. While there was some humor in the situation ("Burning bush at XXX Lab states that Larry Ellison really isn't God"*), it was scary as hell.
I waited around to be sure that I wasn't going to have any more visual hallucinations, and then I left. I need to tell my friend about this and ask him if he'd be willing to drive me to the hospital should it ever be necessary. (He knows about the bipolar symptoms, but not the psychotic ones.)
Why is this happening to me?
* Oracle was kind enough to offer me an interview, so I suppose that I shouldn't make fun of them. But it was such an easy shot-;)
Over the past week, I've had a mild reoccurrence of the psychotic symptoms that I had last summer. The most annoying was the persistent feeling the other night that someone was right outside my office door. I went out and looked, and no one was there, but the feeling still persisted. I'm not surprised that I was misdiagnosed with OCD last summer because that is very OCD-like. One OCD symptom that I have under stress is the feeling that I'm driving the wrong way down the street, despite the evidence to the contrary. The big difference between the two is that the OCD feeling will extinguish if you ignore it, while the psychotic symptom will not. A subtle distinction.
I've also heard very faint voices saying random words.
So I had my doctor's appointment today, and I told him what was going on. He frowned and asked me how the rest of my functioning at work was, and I told him that it was too soon to tell. He didn't like the implications of what's happening, nor do I. Being well for four months while I was at home, and starting to fall apart after two weeks of work, could have some disability implications. However, I would want to explore all the available options (full-time telecommuting, part-time work, ???) before going on long term disability. Besides, I didn't start a new job to promptly go on disability.
I also think that the weather is playing a part in this problem. We've been having summer-like weather, and the psychotic symptoms last year started at the beginning of the summer. It's common for bipolar symptoms to line up with the seasons (summer mania and winter depression). I need to get some dark glasses.
Anyway, the doctor wants me to try the dreaded evil Risperdal again. This time I'll be trying a fourth of the dose that I took last time. I'm also completely tapering off of the Wellbutrin. (We switched roles; this time I insisted on dropping the Wellbutrin for fear that it was contributing to the psychotic symptoms.) We also agreed to the lower dose of Depakote (not the one that almost made me fall asleep in the car).
The scariest thing happened when I was about to leave the lab. I think that I had a visual hallucination. The best way to describe it is like a fire hanging in mid-air, but that description isn't quite right. I jumped about three feet back. While there was some humor in the situation ("Burning bush at XXX Lab states that Larry Ellison really isn't God"*), it was scary as hell.
I waited around to be sure that I wasn't going to have any more visual hallucinations, and then I left. I need to tell my friend about this and ask him if he'd be willing to drive me to the hospital should it ever be necessary. (He knows about the bipolar symptoms, but not the psychotic ones.)
Why is this happening to me?
* Oracle was kind enough to offer me an interview, so I suppose that I shouldn't make fun of them. But it was such an easy shot-;)
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no subject
Date: 2002-03-02 05:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-03-02 02:10 pm (UTC)I report all side effects and other symptoms to the doctor. However, I won't see him for another month. I can call him if things get really dicey.
no subject
Date: 2002-03-02 10:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-03-02 02:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-03-02 10:31 pm (UTC)This is not the simple question it may appear to be. The REAL question is whether or not you actually achieve deep sleep. Some drugs add wings to your shoes in you search for the Lethe, while others allow light sleep, but make deep RESTFUL sleep very difficult.
Why the question about sleep?
Lack of deep sleep robs me of many things - concentration, math skills, upper-level vocabulary, et al; but what is noteworthy is that after some time of poor sleep (after a week of short nights, or about 72 hours awake straight) I'll start having hallucinations. This mainly starts as shadows, reflections, a sense of somebody who isn't there - but they intensify when I'm also pressured under stress, and can become extremely vivid.
Of course, this line of questioning may not give you ideas or answers... but it's a thought.
no subject
Date: 2002-03-03 01:25 pm (UTC)It's more likely that I'm hypersensitive to sunlight. I experienced psychotic symptoms for 5.5 months during last summer and early fall. I also experience racing thoughts (a symptom of mania) after 20 minutes looking at a light box.