The game is up
Mar. 20th, 2002 06:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
days_unfoldingI've had full-blown (although still light) psychosis come back today. I cannot take this. I. Really. Cannot. Take. This.
I'm calling it full-blown because I'm experiencing full conversations (rather than the random words) and some of the other symptoms that I experienced last year, only milder. So far. And yes, I think the weather is implicated because we're having summer weather again after not having it for a while. Also, the symptoms are exhibiting when I'm outside. So far. But other than getting darker glasses, how I can I keep away from sunshine? The only thing that I can think of is to not leave the house.
I have an appointment with the doctor at the end of next week, so I'm going to double my dose of Risperdal (to .5 MG) until I see him. I'll need to get a refill because I'm almost out even without doubling the dose. Also, I'm going to replace the person who left whom they called my therapist (but whom I called my case manager because she just asked about symptoms, booked me for classes, and checked whether I was getting the help that I needed) in case I need to ask for accommodation or even disability. I can't think of anything else to do.
While I do well with action items, I have a tougher time doing Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy to convince myself that I can deal with this situation because I have before, when it was more severe and I knew less. The problem is not "can", it's "want to".
I enjoyed my mania this morning, although it worried me. I decided that I was manic when I wanted to listen to the B52's "Cosmic Thing" on cordless headphones at 7:30 in the morning (early for me). So I did, and danced around to it while I made my bed for the cat...a perfect middle-aged moment somehow. And last night, I had an impulse to ask a kid in a hot car blasting music for a ride. It had nothing to do with the kid, really, and everything to do with the car and the music. I didn't do anything with it, thank god, except pay honor to the irrational impulse. Besides, the kid probably wouldn't give a ride to someone who's probably close to his mom's age anyway-;)
I decided that I needed to hang myself on a hook and avoid people, so I did.
The mania is a little scary too. Since I've gone back to work, I've cycled through mania --> light psychosis --> stable --> suicidal depression --> mania/heavier psychosis. I haven't been back all that long! I wasn't a rapid cycler before I came back to work; I usually had long cycles that corresponded to the seasons (mania in spring through early fall; depression in late fall through the end of winter).
I don't even know what to hope for anymore.
I'm calling it full-blown because I'm experiencing full conversations (rather than the random words) and some of the other symptoms that I experienced last year, only milder. So far. And yes, I think the weather is implicated because we're having summer weather again after not having it for a while. Also, the symptoms are exhibiting when I'm outside. So far. But other than getting darker glasses, how I can I keep away from sunshine? The only thing that I can think of is to not leave the house.
I have an appointment with the doctor at the end of next week, so I'm going to double my dose of Risperdal (to .5 MG) until I see him. I'll need to get a refill because I'm almost out even without doubling the dose. Also, I'm going to replace the person who left whom they called my therapist (but whom I called my case manager because she just asked about symptoms, booked me for classes, and checked whether I was getting the help that I needed) in case I need to ask for accommodation or even disability. I can't think of anything else to do.
While I do well with action items, I have a tougher time doing Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy to convince myself that I can deal with this situation because I have before, when it was more severe and I knew less. The problem is not "can", it's "want to".
I enjoyed my mania this morning, although it worried me. I decided that I was manic when I wanted to listen to the B52's "Cosmic Thing" on cordless headphones at 7:30 in the morning (early for me). So I did, and danced around to it while I made my bed for the cat...a perfect middle-aged moment somehow. And last night, I had an impulse to ask a kid in a hot car blasting music for a ride. It had nothing to do with the kid, really, and everything to do with the car and the music. I didn't do anything with it, thank god, except pay honor to the irrational impulse. Besides, the kid probably wouldn't give a ride to someone who's probably close to his mom's age anyway-;)
I decided that I needed to hang myself on a hook and avoid people, so I did.
The mania is a little scary too. Since I've gone back to work, I've cycled through mania --> light psychosis --> stable --> suicidal depression --> mania/heavier psychosis. I haven't been back all that long! I wasn't a rapid cycler before I came back to work; I usually had long cycles that corresponded to the seasons (mania in spring through early fall; depression in late fall through the end of winter).
I don't even know what to hope for anymore.
