The game is up
Mar. 20th, 2002 06:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
days_unfoldingI've had full-blown (although still light) psychosis come back today. I cannot take this. I. Really. Cannot. Take. This.
I'm calling it full-blown because I'm experiencing full conversations (rather than the random words) and some of the other symptoms that I experienced last year, only milder. So far. And yes, I think the weather is implicated because we're having summer weather again after not having it for a while. Also, the symptoms are exhibiting when I'm outside. So far. But other than getting darker glasses, how I can I keep away from sunshine? The only thing that I can think of is to not leave the house.
I have an appointment with the doctor at the end of next week, so I'm going to double my dose of Risperdal (to .5 MG) until I see him. I'll need to get a refill because I'm almost out even without doubling the dose. Also, I'm going to replace the person who left whom they called my therapist (but whom I called my case manager because she just asked about symptoms, booked me for classes, and checked whether I was getting the help that I needed) in case I need to ask for accommodation or even disability. I can't think of anything else to do.
While I do well with action items, I have a tougher time doing Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy to convince myself that I can deal with this situation because I have before, when it was more severe and I knew less. The problem is not "can", it's "want to".
I enjoyed my mania this morning, although it worried me. I decided that I was manic when I wanted to listen to the B52's "Cosmic Thing" on cordless headphones at 7:30 in the morning (early for me). So I did, and danced around to it while I made my bed for the cat...a perfect middle-aged moment somehow. And last night, I had an impulse to ask a kid in a hot car blasting music for a ride. It had nothing to do with the kid, really, and everything to do with the car and the music. I didn't do anything with it, thank god, except pay honor to the irrational impulse. Besides, the kid probably wouldn't give a ride to someone who's probably close to his mom's age anyway-;)
I decided that I needed to hang myself on a hook and avoid people, so I did.
The mania is a little scary too. Since I've gone back to work, I've cycled through mania --> light psychosis --> stable --> suicidal depression --> mania/heavier psychosis. I haven't been back all that long! I wasn't a rapid cycler before I came back to work; I usually had long cycles that corresponded to the seasons (mania in spring through early fall; depression in late fall through the end of winter).
I don't even know what to hope for anymore.
I'm calling it full-blown because I'm experiencing full conversations (rather than the random words) and some of the other symptoms that I experienced last year, only milder. So far. And yes, I think the weather is implicated because we're having summer weather again after not having it for a while. Also, the symptoms are exhibiting when I'm outside. So far. But other than getting darker glasses, how I can I keep away from sunshine? The only thing that I can think of is to not leave the house.
I have an appointment with the doctor at the end of next week, so I'm going to double my dose of Risperdal (to .5 MG) until I see him. I'll need to get a refill because I'm almost out even without doubling the dose. Also, I'm going to replace the person who left whom they called my therapist (but whom I called my case manager because she just asked about symptoms, booked me for classes, and checked whether I was getting the help that I needed) in case I need to ask for accommodation or even disability. I can't think of anything else to do.
While I do well with action items, I have a tougher time doing Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy to convince myself that I can deal with this situation because I have before, when it was more severe and I knew less. The problem is not "can", it's "want to".
I enjoyed my mania this morning, although it worried me. I decided that I was manic when I wanted to listen to the B52's "Cosmic Thing" on cordless headphones at 7:30 in the morning (early for me). So I did, and danced around to it while I made my bed for the cat...a perfect middle-aged moment somehow. And last night, I had an impulse to ask a kid in a hot car blasting music for a ride. It had nothing to do with the kid, really, and everything to do with the car and the music. I didn't do anything with it, thank god, except pay honor to the irrational impulse. Besides, the kid probably wouldn't give a ride to someone who's probably close to his mom's age anyway-;)
I decided that I needed to hang myself on a hook and avoid people, so I did.
The mania is a little scary too. Since I've gone back to work, I've cycled through mania --> light psychosis --> stable --> suicidal depression --> mania/heavier psychosis. I haven't been back all that long! I wasn't a rapid cycler before I came back to work; I usually had long cycles that corresponded to the seasons (mania in spring through early fall; depression in late fall through the end of winter).
I don't even know what to hope for anymore.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-03-20 06:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-03-20 11:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-03-20 06:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-03-20 11:46 pm (UTC)The game is up
Date: 2002-03-20 07:08 pm (UTC)I'm here... others are too. I'm listening
and I can only tell you that your Dr will
eventually get your meds leveled... it
takes time to find the exact dose. Hold on...
((*)) hugs Adrienne
Re: The game is up
Date: 2002-03-20 11:53 pm (UTC)Just tell me that they will get the drugs right. In some cases, they never do.
The writing helps, and your support helps.
{{back}}
Re: The game is up
Date: 2002-03-21 07:30 am (UTC)OCD. It took a few Drs and a length
of time getting her meds to "fit her."
There was much despair for my brother,
and for her. Though she recalls very
little of what she went through.)
[I make no promises about lying in bed with
the covers over my head (not a bad
surrogate] Your sense of humor is wonderful.
I've done the cover thing often. :-)
I think that you will find your_way_home.
You have much awareness & insight, and I
believe these two keys are what we all need
in order to be healthy.
((*))